by Releasing Tuesday, March 3rd
1. The Hermit
Synopsis: Dragged on a vacation to the woods, teenagers Lisa and Eric fight for their lives against an unstoppable cannibal pig farmer.
Kind of surreal seeing Lou Ferrigno, the original Hulk and Arnold’s challenger in the Pumping Iron days, starring in an upcoming horror film where he’s playing a cannibalistic pig farmer — a first for Lou at 74 years of age.
The movie itself doesn’t look all too special or original. It’s releasing straight to streaming, and it definitely has that straight-to-streaming look to it: a digitally washed-out, modern-day Friday the 13th rip-off, with the only seemingly original thing being big-ass Lou Ferrigno running around killing and eating teenagers.
Don’t know if I’ll ever see this movie in full. I know I’ll try to catch some clips from the film, but under the right circumstances, it might be a fun time with the right people.
Releasing Friday, March 6th
2. Hoppers
Synopsis: A 19-year-old animal lover uses technology that places her consciousness into a robotic beaver to uncover mysteries within the animal world beyond her imagination.
Pixar has honestly been hit or miss lately. Definitely not as impactful with their films as they used to be. Maybe the newer releases are sticking more with younger audiences, and I’m just not as in the loop anymore.
Nevertheless, this doesn’t seem like a terrible movie. Mediocre? Maybe. Could be a fun time, and something I’d take my little nephew and niece to see. But a just decent, middle-of-the-road animated film is not how I remember Pixar from my childhood in the early 2000s. Everything they did back then was a banger and a classic now — not really the same anymore.
3. The Bridge
Synopsis: In 1930s Chicago, Frankenstein asks Dr. Euphronius to help create a companion. They give life to a murdered woman as the Bride, sparking romance, police interest, and radical social change.
Are classic monster movies back? It seems as if every other month we’re getting a new reiteration of classic monster characters such as Frankenstein, Dracula, the upcoming Lee Cronin Mummy movie, and this month’s new take on The Bride of Frankenstein, directed by Maggie Gyllenhaal and starring Christian Bale, Jessie Buckley, Jake Gyllenhaal, and Penelope Cruz.
So we have Rachel directing Bruce Wayne in a Frankenstein movie with a Bonnie and Clyde story between the monster and the bride — could be interesting.Christian Bale is one of my favorite actors, but honestly this film just looks kind of bland, and the look of it reminds me a bit of Joker: Folie à Deux. The trailer even showcases some musical numbers. It’s not a full-on musical, but the film is set to feature several song-and-dance numbers. As with the Joker sequel, this is also a Warner Bros. production, and let’s hope they learned some lessons from their previous attempt at a romantic musical about a crazy-ass couple.
4. Peaky Blinders: The Immortal Man
Synopsis: During World War II, Tommy Shelby returns to a bombed Birmingham and becomes involved in secret wartime missions based on true events, facing new threats as he reckons with his past and rising national stakes.
Damn, I really need to catch up on the Peaky Blinders series — kind of slacking on that. My friend and coworker loves this series and quotes it all the time at work and keeps telling me to watch it. After watching the trailer, I wish I were more caught up with the story because the film looks good, is set during WWII, and has a solid cast: Cillian Murphy, Barry Keoghan, Tim Roth, Stephen Graham, and more. Well, I’ve got Netflix, and I’ll try to watch a few episodes a week and give this show a chance. The film is having a limited theatrical release on March 6 and will then be streaming on Netflix on March 20th. Peaky Blinders fans are eating well this month.
5. Protector
Synopsis: Former war hero Nikki’s peaceful life is shattered when her daughter is kidnapped. Thrust into the criminal underworld while hunted by cops and military, she must fight to rescue her child.
Basically a new Taken movie, but starring Resident Evil franchise star Mila Jovovich. Looks like it could be decent, but definitely a story we’ve seen countless times before. A retired ex-military-now-parent discovers her daughter was kidnapped by a human trafficking ring, and now the parent will use her particular set of skills to get her daughter back. Sounds familiar?
With all the Epstein stuff going on, a movie like this about human traffickers of young girls getting their asses brutally kicked can be a fun and therapeutic time, even if we’ve seen a story like this before.
6. Heel (The Good Boy)
Synopsis: A 19-year-old criminal, Tommy, is kidnapped and forced into a rehabilitation process by a dysfunctional couple, Chris and Kathryn, who try to make him a “good boy.” Tommy must find a way to escape.
Haven’t heard of this film before and came across the trailer as I was compiling this list. Looks like it could be a solid original thriller with a splash of A Clockwork Orange from what I saw in the trailer. Also looks to be a well-shot and acted film, not just digital streaming slop. Overall, I’m intrigued.
It will have a limited release in the US, as it’s a British picture. I’ll wait for streaming.
7. Dolly
Synopsis: Macy, a young woman, is abducted by a monstrous figure intent on raising her as their own child.
I almost skipped the trailer for this film because the poster kind of looked cheap, but I told myself I have to give each movie I’m considering putting on this list a chance. There were movies on previous lists that I thought of skipping that ended up piquing my interest the more I looked into them.
The trailer is honestly pretty cool. It has the style and narration of a ’70s grindhouse film, with clear inspirations from the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre. I love the grindhouse aesthetic, and it’s nice to see a modern horror movie doing a callback to the genre. And another crazy thing I didn’t expect was seeing Stifler from American Pie in the trailer. Haven’t seen Stifler around in a long-ass time. However, the trailer did kind of spoil what happens to his character. Hope you make it through, my guy Stifler.
8. War Machine
Synopsis: Follow the final recruits of a grueling special ops boot camp who encounter a deadly force from beyond this world.
I thought I was mistaken, but Netflix already had a Netflix original movie from 2017 titled War Machine starring Brad Pitt. This is also a Netflix original movie with the same title, but it has no connection to Netflix’s first War Machine movie. The only similarity is that they both revolve around the military, with the first one being set around a boot camp, and this one basically going with the Predator plot — except the Predator this time is a Metal Gear-looking robot.Looks average, to be honest. I might check some scenes out since I have Netflix. If you have Netflix, it could be a decent watch, but other than that, you might as well just watch Predator.
Releasing Friday, March 13th
9. Reminders of Him
Synopsis: After prison, a woman attempts to reconnect with her young daughter but faces resistance from everyone except a bar owner with ties to her child. As they grow closer, she must confront her past mistakes to build a hopeful future.
Saw the whole movie in the trailer. The extended director’s cut will be coming to theaters on March 13th.
10. Undertone
Synopsis: The host of a popular paranormal podcast becomes haunted by terrifying recordings mysteriously sent her way.
Unlike the previous movie on the list, A24 makes very good and enticing trailers for its films. They don’t show too much, but reveal just enough bits and pieces to get you intrigued. I think this has the potential to be something decent, although I saw that it already has a 6.5 rating on IMDb. I don’t want that factor to turn me away from the film just yet, though.
11. Slanted
Synopsis: An insecure Chinese-American teenager undergoes experimental surgery to appear white, hoping to secure the prom queen title and peer acceptance.
This looks so bad that I am honestly intrigued.
Releasing Friday, March 20
12. Project Hail Mary
Synopsis: Science teacher Ryland Grace wakes up alone on a spaceship light-years from Earth. As his memory returns, he uncovers a mission to stop a mysterious substance killing the sun, and save Earth. An unexpected friendship may be the key.
I’ve never read the book, but the fans seem to be excited about this film, and it’s Ryan Gosling with potentially cool space stuff, so I’d be down. Seems like it could be a decent family film to see on the big screen.
13. Ready or Not 2: Here I Come
Synopsis: After surviving one deadly game, Grace and her sister Faith must now outrun four rival families competing for a powerful throne – winner takes all.
Never seen the first one, but I know it has a pretty big cult following and some decent reviews. Doesn’t look too appealing to me, but maybe it would be a gory, fun time and I just don’t know it. It just seems like there’s too much going on. Even the poster looks cramped.
14. Tow
Synopsis: The true story of Amanda Ogle (Byrne), a homeless Seattle woman who fought her way out of tow-company hell to reclaim her life and car after receiving a tow bill for $21,634.
Interesting little story based on true events. Don’t think it’ll be anything extraordinary, but something warm and inspirational you can watch with the shawty.
Releasing Friday, March 27
15. They Will Kill You
Synopsis: A woman takes a job as a housekeeper in a NYC high-rise, unaware of the building’s history of disappearances. She soon realizes the community is shrouded in mystery.
A lot of people online are saying this looks like Ready or Not, and ironically its sequel is coming out in theaters a week prior. It’ll be a bloody battle at the box office between the two chicks slaying and butchering, as They Will Kill You and Ready or Not 2 play side by side.
If I had to choose, this one looks a bit more visually appealing to me — more bloody, with a touch of grindhouse to it. Would probably check this one out with the buddies on a Tuesday night.
16. The AI Doc: Or How I Became an Apocaloptimist
Synopsis: A father-to-be tries to figure out what is happening with all this AI insanity.
17. The Mummy Returns (25th Anniversary)
Synopsis: The mummified body of Imhotep is shipped to a museum in London, where he once again wakes and begins his campaign of rage and terror.
This and the first one are some of my childhood favorites that I’ve watched God knows how many times growing up. Even with some flaws, the first and second Mummy films are really some of the best cinematic adventure movies of our time. These movies really got me into ancient Egypt and the pyramids and all that cool stuff.
It’s been some time, and I’ve actually been thinking about rewatching these films recently. While I was compiling this list of movie releases, I came across the 25th anniversary re-release of The Mummy Returns. Hell yeah I’m going to go see this on the big screen and relive my childhood, as I didn’t get a chance to see this on the big screen in 2001 since I was 2 years old.
18. Stand By Me (40th Anniversary)
Synopsis: A writer recounts a childhood journey with his friends to find the body of a missing boy.
Growing up in Riverdale, Bronx, I spent a lot of time hanging out on the Metro-North tracks and stations along the Hudson River. My friends and I would skip school there, cross the tracks, and have hangout spots along the tracks. This film is the only movie I know that perfectly recaptures that sense of adventure — exploring the tracks and woods with your best friends as a young teen.
I think I’ll definitely go with the two buddies I grew up with and used to do that shit with. We never found a dead body, though. They’re also the friends I have the tradition of going to the movies with on Tuesday nights.
